It all started with primitive men who painted pictures on the walls of their caves. Things would have been different if they had wallpaper, but in those days it was DIY or GWI, and so they brightened things up with some jolly hunting scenes, with an optimistic tone where they catch and kill the animals instead of the other way round

The pictures look as like the work of five year olds, and when I tried it aged five I was just as good, but my mum was cross and made me rub it out before the man from National Geographic could turn up.So much for my art career - but as you will see, there is yet hope.

Art continued with the ancient Greeks, who had obviously got some practice in, as when they drew on the walls you could at least see what it was supposed to be.

The Greeks and Romans actually hit on some key aspects of art, which was to include filthy bits as often as possible. This took a downturn for the next 1000 years when you were only allowed to do pictures of god despite being told not to, but things started to look up a bit during the renaissance, when people rediscovered the two key principles known to the ancient Greeks, perspective and filth, and one which wasn't, which was canvas.